Growing Minds Blog
What Happens When We Start Speaking Kindly to Ourselves
By Alisa Farina · August 9, 2025
Many of us have been using self-talk since we were just three years old. It is such a natural part of our daily lives, most of us do not even notice when we are doing it. Whether we are chatting out loud or having a little conversation inside our heads, the way we talk to ourselves plays an instrumental role in how we see ourselves and what we believe we are capable of. Just like the Little Engine That Could taught us, what we say to ourselves truly matters.
Over time the way we talk to ourselves can really shape our lives. When we say things like, “You’ve got this,” instead of “I can’t do that,” it makes a big difference. Positive self-talk helps us to feel more balanced emotionally and mentally. It can ease feelings of anxiety and depression while boosting our motivation, confidence, and resilience. By believing in ourselves through uplifting words, we nurture self-compassion and self-acceptance, making it more likely that we will achieve our goals.
How do I start speaking kindly to myself?
The first step is to focus inward and listen to your inner voice. Self-talk comes in three forms: instructional, negative, and positive.
When you go to the grocery store to buy milk without a list, you are using instructional self-talk. We use this type of self-talk throughout the day to keep ourselves organized.
For many of us, negative self-talk happens just as often.
Does your self-talk sound like this?
- Personalization: blaming yourself for everything
- Magnification: focusing only on the negative aspects of the situation
- Catastrophization: expecting the worst and making things bigger than they really are
When you notice yourself slipping into negative self-talk, take a moment to ask, “Whose voice is this?” Consider where this “I’m not good enough” voice originated.
The secret to turning those negative thoughts into positive ones is to treat yourself like your own best friend. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, ask, “What would I say to my best friend in this situation?” You will probably find a much kinder and more encouraging response waiting for you.
About the Author
Alisa Farina is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC), a Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCC), an EMDR-trained therapist, and the Founder of Growing Minds Counselling and Consulting. She holds a Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology with Distinction, a Bachelor of Arts in Child and Youth Care, and a Diploma in Special Education. With over 30 years of experience in education, youth work, and counselling, Alisa brings deep compassion, insight, and real-world understanding to her writing and her therapy sessions.