What happens when we start speaking kindly to ourselves

Many of us have been using self-talk since we were just three years old. It’s such a natural part of our daily lives, most of us don’t even notice when we’re doing it. Whether we’re chatting out loud, or having a little conversation inside our heads, the way we talk to ourselves plays an instrumental role in how we see ourselves and what we believe we are capable of. Just like the Little Engine That Could taught us, what we say to ourselves truly matters.

Over time the way we talk to ourselves can really shape our lives! When we say things like, “You’ve got this” instead of “I can’t do that,” it makes a big difference. Positive self-talk helps us to feel more balanced emotionally and mentally. It can ease feelings of anxiety and depression while boosting our motivation, confidence, and resilience. By believing in ourselves through uplifting words, we nurture self-compassion and self-acceptance, making it more likely that we’ll achieve our goals.

How do I start speaking kindly to myself?

The first step is to focus inward and listen to your inner voice. Self-talk comes in three forms: instructional, negative, and positive.

When you go to the grocery store to buy milk without a list, you’re using instructional self-talk. We use this type of self-talk throughout the day to keep ourselves organized. 

For many of us, negative self-talk happens just as often. 

Does your self-talk sound like:

• Personalization: blaming yourself for everything

• Magnification: focusing only on the negative aspects of the situation

• Catastriphization: expecting the worst and making things bigger than they really are

When you notice yourself slipping into negative self-talk, take a moment to ask, “Who’s voice is this?” Consider where this, “I’m not good enough,” voice originated.

The secret to turning those negative thoughts into positive ones is to treat yourself like your own best friend. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, ask, “What would I say to my best friend in this situation?” You’ll probably find a much kinder and encouraging response waiting for you. 

About the Author:

Alisa Farina is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC), a Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCC), and the Founder of Growing Minds Counselling and Consulting. Alisa holds a MA in Counselling Psychology, BA in Child and Youth Care, and a Diploma in Special Education. Alisa specializes in counselling for individuals with mood disorders and trauma, and for individuals with ADHD or Autism. Alisa brings over three decades of passion and experience in counselling, special education, youth work, and non-profit work to her writing.